As with most things I write, this post should be taken with a grain of salt.

As 2017 is finally ending, I’d like to take a moment to list the things I’m ready to receive in my life (universe, please deliver!) and the things I never want to see again ever. Obviously, if you disagree with any of these, you won’t be shunned from the community or sent to the re-education centre or the guillotine once the revolution comes.

No need to worry – it’s all very tongue-in-cheek, you see.

Antique Coral Tiara, Ebay (sold)

Hot: Sea witch vibes

There’s been a bit of an occult, ooky-spooky trend in the past year, and now I’m ready to veer into marine themes.

I’m talking Ursula, not Ariel.

Oyster shells, mother-of-pearl trinket boxes, weird fish-shaped ceramics, antique coral jewellery… in fact, if it’s old and sea-themed, it’s automatically cool. I just bought caviar spoons for my face creams and it was such a good decision (oh my god, imagine a caviar tin compact!!! cute!!!!!)

Not: Unicorns and mermaids

I’ve been beating this dead horse (dead unicorn?) for like, the past year, and now I need to finally say we must BURY THE UNICORN. Too Faced’s new unicorn collection hasn’t even dropped yet! Can you believe brands are still doing this? Let’s stop it with the lisa frank aesthetic and be adults about beauty.

At least most of the time. Nobody call me out on my sailor moon obsession.

image: Donna Summer “Bad Girls” Cover art

Hot: Disco

This is a no-brainer. Disco is just such an unfairly maligned genre! It’s some of the best, most fun, emotional, dance-friendly and glamorous kind of music there is. But, like all cool things, it was victim to a bigot-driven smear campaign and fell out of favour.

But I’m telling you – listen to this and tell me it doesn’t make your soul sing.

Bring. Back. DISCO!

Not: Normcore

Where’s the fantasy.

Where’s the glamour?!

Where’s the drama?!

Normcore is the devil, it is the enemy of art and happiness and must be put to death. That’s all.

Hot: Fun colour in fun places

No innuendo intended here, by fun places I mean stuff like your temple, or your ears as worn by Linda Hallberg. Why not a coloured eyebrow? Colour mascara works great as brow gel and makes you look oh so daring and cool. I’m not opposed to a bit of colour swept on collarbones either. A stripe of liner along the bottom of your brows…or along a jaw… why not!!! Makeup is supposed to be fun and we gotta stop being afraid of getting weird. Weird is cool.

Not: Dangerous DIYs

I feel like this is especially common on Pinterest, Youtube and Instagram – DIY beauty “hacks” that are downright dangerous. Tooth scrubs (goodbye enamel!), baking soda face masks (goodbye acid mantle!) and apple cider vinegar spot treatments (goodbye epidermis!) are all ill-advised DIY trends that still spread around the internet through word-of-mouth.

I’m telling you not to do this and not to take advice from people whose only merit is that they’re hot and popular.

image: tragically impossible to source. I think the glasses are from Anthropologie, though.

Hot: Glamour

It’s the polar opposite of normcore.

Keyword: Sumptuous.

Keyword: Fantasy.

Keyword: Extravagant.

Dress like you’re trying to impress Oscar Wilde. Heck, LIVE like you’re trying to impress Oscar Wilde. That’s how I want to live, anyway.

Not: Bodycon

The other day I found one of those Hervé Leger bandage dresses at the thrift store and it catapulted me back to that very dark time in fashion when bodycon was THE fashion trend. You remember them, low cut, short, super tight dresses, kind of bondage-y.

Then I realized. Oh my god. It’s not over. It’s still happening.

Bodycon is alive and well… just look at the big instagram fashion trends. It’s all super tight, super sexy, super curvy. Lots of spandex and very little natural fibre. I’d argue that it’s barely fashion, it’s just body. Well, I’m over it. I just want the clothes to hold their own without a perfectly curvy body poured into them.

Photo: “Man of the World”, Grant Cornett, 2016

Hot: Dinner Parties

Eating with friends has never gone out of style, but right now it’s probably ALL I want in life. Let’s just sit around a table and talk and eat something delicious and home-cooked. I’m going full Nigella, you guys. I’ll like… roast something if I must. I find myself browsing kitchen supply stores for blowtorches and extorionately priced enamel cookware.

But seriously! A set table, some Sade playing in the background, wine poured from a decanter. Let’s make it happen.

Not: Dropper-to-the-face skincare

This is a pet peeve.

It’s a social media trend to be sure, popular in selfies and tutorials where girls will put the dropper from their serum or oil directly on their face and just pour out tons of product directly on their faces. Not only are face bacteria getting in your product when you put that dropper back in the bottle, you’re wasting the crap out of that Sunday Riley oil or whatever it is you’re using.

image: nipped from Beautylish, but theirs was unsourced

Hot: Public makeup application

I talk about this a lot, but it bears repeating: public makeup application is so mesmerising, romantic, and chic.

Why put on your makeup all by your lonesome when you can have an audience?! Put on your face on the morning commute and save a few minutes of sleep in the morning. It’s a win-win.

Not: Beards

Every guy looks exactly the same at this point. Beard, man bun, generic pop culture t-shirt. People introduce their boyfriends to me and I’m adamant I’ve met them before. Because every other boyfriend I’ve met looks just like him. It’s confusing and distressing. I’m sick of the beards!! It’s time men started taking their appearance more seriously and emulated the suffering gay aristocrat aesthetic.

More brideshead, less woodstock. (A bit of blush wouldn’t hurt, either)

image: Glossier

Hot: Liberated eyebrows

2017 was the year I stopped plucking my eyebrows and let me tell you. It’s the best decision I ever made. I thought my brows were too puny and weak to hold their own, but no! I’m not mad at them at all, actually. The super-sculpted brow is still going pretty strong but I’d like to sing the praises of eyebrows freed from the pruning and plucking that ultimately limits them.

Not: Ill-advised adverts

We saw some pretty tough-to-swallow ads this year, not only in beauty but in many industries. Timberland’s tragic ad saying you’ll probably never be able to retire, Fiverr’s equally dystopian “doer” ad, and yeah, let’s not beat around the bush: Benefit has made some seriously misguided advertising choices. “Skip class, not concealer”, the “Yuck” and “Wow!” images on gondolas and adverts… it’s just a mess.

Can I ask ad agencies to like… put their thinking caps on a little tighter in the coming year? Pretty please?

Hot: Sincerity

Let’s raise a glass to the try-hard, the people who make an effort with not a shred of irony. I’m not that person, but I wish I was, because there’s something so lovely about being sincere in all things. Even embarassing things.

If you wear your heart on your sleeve, I’ll probably like you.

What are your hot & not picks for the coming year?